Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
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When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!