Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
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“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
“You’d better run, egg!”
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”