My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
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Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
happy friday
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
He just like my cat fr
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?