Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
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NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
The honesty is refreshing
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!