[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
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I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
my fav colour is also hitler
bugs when you lift up a rock
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em