“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
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*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Meanwhile in Portland…
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”