I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
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Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
A customer told me they were never coming back….
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Meme Monday.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.