Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
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Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home