I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
You Might Also Like
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Aaaa…CHOO!
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
“what that mouth do?” complain