[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
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[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT