My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
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Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Beware of the dog..
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.