Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
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My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
yeah not falling for this one
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit