[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
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*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you