[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
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Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
good morning
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there