Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
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me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win