DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
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A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.