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Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Mouse
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?