Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
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Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod