me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
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This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself