Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
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[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.