demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
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You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
My therapist after every session
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice