Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
You Might Also Like
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?