I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
You Might Also Like
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
wtf is an acronym
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Pot warmers of the day.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.