Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
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When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
I think they could have phrased this better
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
“Huge”.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go