‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
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just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
At least try to make it slightly believable
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Fights fire with marshmallows
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day