[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
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The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…