He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
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Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Pretty certain I can more drunk
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this