That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
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Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
That’s it.I’m out.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?