I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
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Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?