Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
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The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
This kinda thing happens to me often
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)