*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
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Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.