Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
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3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Practicing safe sax
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.