[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
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when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face