parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
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Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking