“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
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live, laugh, laundry.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.