me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
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Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
apparently this year was written by stephen king
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous