Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
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Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Boating season is upon us.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.