Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
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Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi