When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
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The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
The fall of Netflix