[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
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Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted