“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
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[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy