I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
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9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths