The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
You Might Also Like
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
my mom making me talk to relatives
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
💯😂
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.