forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
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The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
This is amazing.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either