[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
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When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
For the ones in the back.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.