Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
You Might Also Like
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.