Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
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There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Breaking news:
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.