me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
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What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
I think this should do it.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship