Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
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Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
i will not be silenced
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.