‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
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Me, after a minor inconvenience:
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?